I always seem to write when I have a list of essential items I must cross off my to-do list. It is almost as if I cannot be bothered with the to-do list until I dump whatever is weighing on my heart first. I wanted to share what was weighing on my heart because it might be something that has weighed on yours too.
I have always had the tendency to twist myself into a pretzel to either fit in or to be liked or to keep others happy- even to the point of forgoing my own needs and wants, and sometimes even hurting myself. If I was not doing that, I liked keeping to myself because it was far less draining.
Well, of course, it was.
While I could write a whole blog post on the fawning trauma response and how a person develops this trauma response to circumvent conflict and create a sense of safety, I will keep this for another day. Nonetheless, if you have people-pleasing behaviors, you know how exhausting it is to attempt to stay in others’ good graces all the time. Typically, you do not even realize you are doing it. Because I am aware of this tendency now, I caught myself twisting into a pretzel this past week. It was making me miserable. I found myself worried that I was going to upset others with some decisions I had to make. As a consequence of this, I was finding myself more self-conscious and anxious throughout the week before and after making these decisions.
I finally had to stop and allow myself to sit with the frustration and dissatisfaction of others- the frustration and dissatisfaction I was trying to avoid by twisting myself into a pretzel. I also had to ask myself, “Was I being authentic, or was I attempting to appease and give apologies to keep others from being upset with me?” I had to be okay with others talking about me negatively and giving criticism that I was wanting to avoid.
One thing I have learned from being a recovering people-pleaser is that it is completely okay and sometimes a good thing for others to not only disagree with you but to not be satisfied and to even be disappointed with you or your actions. Sometimes, it even weeds out people who do not really deserve the space you hold for them. It really is okay if they do not like you or even decide to leave. You will find that the people you should keep in your inner circle are those who want to respect you and your boundaries.
I will end with this: you do not get rewarded with cheese dip or cinnamon sugar for twisting yourself into a pretzel, so please stop going through all that trouble in the first place. At the end of the day, you are only hurting yourself and you are much too valuable to keep doing that.
