I began writing this post a while ago when it was raining one Sunday. Life stuff took precedence, and I never got around to finishing it until now. On that particular Sunday, I planned on going on a long walk, but the rain had yet to let up. Long walks on Sundays are a comfort of mine. Still, listening to the heavy rain while my dog made me type with one hand so he could get some pets is a whole other kind of peace.
This year, I have been more withdrawn; yes, even more so than normal. Attempting to open up again has been daunting, which is probably why I never got around to finishing this post until now. Being rigidly guarded has helped me feel shielded from the hurts of this life. While I am grateful for the protection it provides, it does come at a cost.
Somewhere along the way, I lost my voice over the past year. Sometimes, the words of others can cut deep. Some words last year cut so deep that the progress I had made with finding my voice left me in a state of confusion, pain, and hopelessness. The voice I had finally found and fought so hard for was gone. It felt like I was back at the starting line with no desire to begin another race. I was just tired. I was disappointed. I started to question everything. The thought of starting over made me angry and sad.
The best way I can liken it to is a puzzle you have worked so hard to complete getting torn up by someone randomly coming up and tearing the pieces apart. Life is fragile like a puzzle. When the pieces in areas of our lives that we have worked so hard on get torn apart by life circumstances or people, it can be devastating. It is not easy to get back up and pick up the pieces right away. Sometimes, you do not want to start over and try again. You just want to withdraw and isolate yourself, essentially putting the puzzle pieces back in the box. This is exactly what I have done over the past year.
Because I know how easy it is for puzzle pieces to stay inside the box for years without getting taken out to make the pretty picture that is shown on the outside, it is important for me to get the metaphorical puzzle pieces of my life back out to attempt to make the pretty picture on the box we call life. This post is my first attempt at opening up the box.
