Growing up, I could have been the poster child for being that kid at school you only hung out with when your best friend was out sick for the day.
I made the perfect stand-in.
I was nerdy, shy, awkward, and longed to be included. I learned quickly you can matter to others, even if it is only conditional. I have carried this type of relating with others throughout my life, many times inadvertently.
Sometimes, it is not that you do not matter, you actually do in some capacity.
It is just that you do not matter in a way you feel is comparable to what you feel you deserve or it truly is inequitable or you quit mattering like you once did or you only served a purpose.
It could be a combination of these. Once your purpose has been fulfilled or is no longer needed, you can be left wondering where you went wrong. It can be a very dizzying and crippling experience. It can eat away at your self-construct (that is, if you have developed one), your essence, what makes you, well you.
Sometimes, it can feel like you are on a rewards system, causing you to dutifully jump through hoops in the hopes of “mattering” like you once did. It becomes a merry-go-round that only stops when you choose to get off the ride.
It is hard to get off a ride that never fully stops. It can hurt even more after getting off the ride, once you realize it has now been deemed “out of order.”
One-sided relating with those closest to us typically causes pain we freely allow, but why? If you happen to be like me, you may have a high tolerance for it. It feels normal. It is comfortable. It still hurts. Yet, it is not scary, at least initially, because it is a familiar, relating pattern you have come to know in your relating experiences.
Those who are more comfortable with one-sided relating perceive (albeit, many times subconsciously) morsels of relating are not alarming. Main course relating is.
You tend to stay away from people who actually want to meet you halfway because it feels unnatural. The openness is unappetizing. The fear of being vulnerable in order to relate back to the other individual can be overwhelming, so you carry on like normal and continue with one-sided relating.
It is not only that you know this type of relating experience so well, it can also feel that this is all you will get to experience in this life. You accept it.
When you do awaken to the realization that you do not matter as much to someone who means the world to you, you can experience a form of grief that feels as if you have been deserted by someone who never existed.
Once immersed in this grief, it can be hard to dig yourself out.
You will most likely question yourself, blame yourself, and even lose yourself before any healing can begin.
After all the grieving and ruminating has finally died down, a scar will remain. It is a scar that becomes your reminder to let go and unlearn the unhealthy, relating patterns that have been sabotaging you from living a life filled with others who want to be wholly present and invested as an active participate in your life.
You begin to surround yourself with others who want to be there for you and will be. You begin to allow yourself to be vulnerable with others, despite how distressing it can feel initially. You see that there is hope. It is a hope that knows you will meet individuals who will not only make you feel accepted and seen, but will remind you in their actions.
After all this time of chasing to be mattered, you will finally learn you mattered all along.
You were never meant to be a stand-in.
