Know Your Self-Worth

Reasons Why I Avoided Writing This Post

I have been stalling to write this post for over a year for several reasons.

1.) For one, this topic is especially personal. Like many, I have struggled with my self-worth for a long time. It seems to have been the theme of my twenties. My view of my self-worth has helped dictate all seven dimensions of wellness in my life: spiritual, physical, emotional, career/financial, intellectual, environmental, and social.

I used to strongly hold onto the core beliefs of not being good enough and being unworthy. Sometimes, I was not actively thinking about not being good enough or being unworthy. They just happened to be a part of my subconscious mind. Furthermore, I would let the people in my life, both through choice and circumstance, in addition to my environment and whatever my current situation was in my studies, career, and personal life, define my self-worth for me.

Being aware of this now pains me. I could have avoided much needless suffering.

2.) Another reason, I postponed writing on this subject is because I feared it would come across as attention-seeking or advertising for pity. This was a substantial fear because this topic is quite significant to me because of the struggle I have had with it. In the end, however, people believe what they want. That should not stop me from writing on a topic that is important to me. Essentially, I can no longer look externally to help me be able to define my own self-worth.

3.) An additional reason I paused on writing this post was due to struggling with understanding the difference between ‘worth’ and ‘value.’ If you look up these two words, they are synonyms for each other. However, they do have subtle differences. According to DifferenceBetween.com (2011), “The word ‘value’ is used in the sense of ‘importance’. On the other hand, the word ‘worth’ is used in the sense of ‘the cost of production’ of a particular thing or the ‘greatness’ of a particular person” (para. 1). I did not feel that the word ‘value’ or the word ‘worth’ correctly depicted what I was attempting to write about.

What is Self-Worth?

Ultimately, I decided to keep studying this topic because I found myself lost in understanding the differences between ‘worth,’ ‘value,’ ‘self-worth,’ and ‘self-esteem.’ Eventually, I felt that speaking on ‘self-worth’ was the best route. In an article titled, “Self-Worth,” the University of North Carolina Wilmington Counseling Center defines ‘self-worth’ as, “the internal sense of being good enough and worthy of love and belonging from others” (para. 1). Reading this definition sold me on writing about ‘self-worth.’

Using Myself as an Example

I did not acquire this “internal sense of being good enough and worthy of love and belonging from others.” Because of this, it wreaked havoc on my life.

It kept me from putting myself out there. I avoided challenges. I was terrified of failure. I only wanted to try something new or put myself out there if I had an external blessing to go for it. Without external approval, I would not even attempt it. I would not try for better circumstances. I stayed confined within the limits of what was comfortable, what was familiar in my studies, career, and personal life. This was just reinforcing the amount of self-worth I was able to see in myself. Staying in what was comfortable and familiar was not helping me to become all that I had the possibility of becoming nor helping me live an authentic and thriving life.

Making this worse was allowing the people in my life, both through choice and circumstance, to define my self-worth for me. This caused my self-worth to always fluctuate depending on how others viewed and treated me. I subconsciously gave my power away. I allowed others to put their own price tag on me. I believed the price they gave, especially when it was low.

This led to being an immense people-pleaser, being intensely self-conscious, withdrawing from others who truly cared about my well-being, and bending over backwards for those who did not. I hid from being vulnerable. I avoided people, studies, and jobs because I could hear the voices of others reminding me of what they thought, “You are not qualified for that job,” “You hold a trivial degree,” “You need to lose weight,” “You are too bookish,” “You need a lot of attention,” “No one really cares,” – I could go on, but it would take up too much space.

My self-worth was not standing on a firm foundation. I could only focus on my mistakes. I was overly critical of myself, judged myself mercilessly, and compared myself to others. Lastly, I did not know how to be assertive and stand up for myself and only saw myself through the eyes of others.

I had allowed the biased, personal opinions of others to become constructive feedback that I followed religiously until I realized it was not making things better. It was not making my outlook better. Overall, it was not helping my, “internal sense of being good enough and worthy of love and belonging from others.”

My Point

If you have been able to stay with me reading this, you may be wondering why I gave so many examples or what changed to allow myself to know my self-worth.

I gave numerous examples of my experience because I know I am not alone. One example may resonate with one person. I know there are others who have not only experienced this and the examples given above but also continue to live their lives stuck, unable to reach their fullest potential, and are ultimately unable to encounter knowing their self-worth.

What changed in my life? Well, it has not been a linear journey nor has it been easy. However, it is one I will forever be grateful for.

I began reprogramming my subconscious mind through inner healing work and began having self-compassion for myself. “Self-compassion is the ability to be kind to yourself and actually say and do kind things towards ourselves the same way we would a good friend versus being self-critical” (University of North Carolina Wilmington Counseling Center, n.d., para. 3). I started reminding myself that I am imperfect because I am human and being imperfect does not take away from “being good enough and worthy of love and belonging from others.” I am sure there are others who cannot see my worth or value or those who have stopped seeing my worth or value. However, this does not and should not change how I see myself. I used to particularly struggle when someone stopped seeing my worth or value. I now know they probably had no business being in my life in the first place.

If being real and imperfect is what I love about others, what was so wrong with loving that about myself? How did being a flawed person unqualify me if I did not think it unqualified others? I started sitting with uncomfortable emotions and allowing myself to work my way through them. I devoted time and space to this in my daily life.

This is when I established a regular journaling practice. I still remember what I wrote on the first page of a new journal I had ordered just for my inner healing work. It was five words. These words were, ‘whole,’ ‘worthy,’ ‘valuable,’ ‘beautiful,’ and ‘respectable.’ These are the five words I have spoken over my life for the past four years.

I have now officially experienced all five.

In Closing

Through much time and energy devoted to inner healing work, I know my self-worth now. I feel good enough. I feel worthy of love and belonging from others, even when I am initially scared of it or when others fail to see it.

It is my prayer that you get to know your self-worth too and experience the abundant life that comes with this knowledge.

References

DifferenceBetween.com. (2011). Difference Between Value and Worth. Compare the Difference Between Similar Terms. Retrieved February 27, 2022, from https://www.differencebetween.com/difference-between-value-and-vs-worth/

University of North Carolina Wilmington Counseling Center. (n.d.). Self Worth. University of North Carolina Wilmington. Retrieved February 27, 2022, from https://uncw.edu/counseling/selfworth.html